1337 Chicken Curry.

Before I continue this recipe comes with a health warning: it may blow your mind and even your soul. I served this to a friend yesterday and it was the first ever time I’ve seen a grown person, need to eat with a box of tissues on hand. So either he was genuinely emotionally touched by the meal, or he was crying out tears of spice. Reflecting back on the meal now, I’d have to go for the later. This recipe serves for two men, or one man and one pussy who can’t finish his meal.

Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom.

Ingredients

1 or 2 Tablespoons of Olive Oil (none of that sunflower rubbish thank you).

2 Skinless Chicken Fillets (you could probably use Lamb instead, but I’m a student and therefore can not afford to find out).

2 Onions.

1 Red Pepper (The best of all the colours).

2 Scotch Bonnets (Which is a type of chili, not a Northern clothing accessory).

350ml of Chicken Stock (Or whatever stock you have rotting in the cupboard, they all taste the same to be honest).

1 Tablespoon of Turmeric, Dried Chilies, Paprika, Cumin (lol), hot Curry Powder and Parsley (Yes, all of which are essential).

2 Tablespoons of Tomato Puree

1 Teaspoon of Garlic, Ground Cayenne Ground Pepper and Marmite (Yes you read correctly, Marmite makes any meal taste 10 times better: excluding desserts, never use it in desserts).

Serve on a Bed of Rice or Holy Naan Bread.

Am I the only one who would feel awkward eating this?

Preparation

1) Measure out ALL of the above spices and place them in a dish so none escape from the recipe.

2) Slice the Onions, Chilies and Peppers into small pieces. Add the Chilies and Peppers to the spices.

3) Dice the Chicken into chunks about the size of a Conker or the cube Duplo Blocks.

Recipe

1) Heat the oil in a Wok (if you haven’t got a Wok at this point you’re doomed) and stir fry the Duplo Chicken Blocks and Onion for 7 – 8 minutes. Then put onto a lower setting so the bastards don’t stick to the pan.

2) Add the Spices, Garlic, Chilies and peppers into the mix and continue to stir fry for another 3 Minutes. You can add a little bit of Stock at this point if your Kitchen is over teeming with smoke.

3) Add the (rest of) Stock and place the concoction on a low heat so that it simmers. Add the Tomato Puree and (VITAL INGREDIENT) Marmite into the brew. Leave to simmer for an hour, or ten, I don’t really know, whenever it stops looking like watered down puddle of excrement.

4) Serve with Rice (Brown rice if you’re Pretentious), Jesus Bread, or both if you’re a greedy diner.

Oh and have a box of tissues on hand, to either comfort the enjoyment, or aid the pain.