Conspiracy Cliff: E.T. loves to Shop on Earth

Work at the warehouse is hard, heavy lifting is possibly the job least suited to my puny upper arms, but spending the day with Cliff makes it all the more worthwhile. Following on from his outlandish claims about humanities true origins, Cliff decided to disclose a dark and haunting secret of our international governments. Now as you might expect, a warehouse is full of exciting and groundbreaking technology, which makes the chores of the day easier: Chain operated shutter doors, manually operated fork trucks and broken Stanley knives; are all things the company should consider advancing, but then again, my forearms are at their bulkiest after a two hour stint of hydraulic handle pumping. Any reasonably thinking person would guess that all of humanities advancements are down to crack teams of men in white coats, who put their heart and soul into giving the western world wonderful things like the underwater camera, triple glazing (because double glazing just isn’t enough) and the bendy bus. However Cliff and his adventurous mind will have none of these shenanigans!

You see according to Cliff, all of humanities major advancements in Medicine and Technology, have been given to them, by Aliens (again with the space stuff). That’s right E.T. was never lost, he was simply popping into the White House to drop off a hands free Mobile Phone kit.

Aliens gave us Pez!

But the drama does not end there, this technology comes at a price, live test subjects. By that I mean you, Aunt Sarah and those next door neighbors who unexpectedly moved to Thailand last week. Why our Alien business partners need so many white mice is beyond me, but for the small price of ‘missing’ people like Evil Knievel we get the Wind up Radio, for Vanilla Ice the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and for the Queen Mother, the Gillette Mach 3 Fusion stealth supernova cock exploder. The concept of developing a razor with more than two blades, is just too much for a feeble human mind to comprehend.

Again Cliff does give some justification for his latest conspiracy theory. If you look back at the history of human beings, you will notice that over the last one hundred years or so that humanity has taken some massive leaps into the future, making the previous 10,000 years or so look a bit pointless. But this is obviously due to the Conservative government trading the homeless with the Vulcan’s rather than the industrial revolution, the silicon chip and the Nazi’s (even Hitler did his part).

Cliff also gives the governments missing persons list as evidence, where have all these people gone of to he puts forward. Well lets just leave that one down to Tax evasion and Rapists. Even if these Alien trades were going on, surely there is only so far you can go with anal probing, I think before you got to person number 9,001 you would start thinking you were taking the piss.

But why don’t the Aliens abduct us like normal? Maybe if I asked Cliff this question he would explain that an Interstellar government has brought in a legislation which states that LTABs (lesser technologically advanced beings) may not be farmed, unless an agreement has been previously made, with the civilizations leader; but I didn’t ask Cliff because I was scared he would become angered and shoot me with a Phaser he exchanged for his wife, so I’m just going to stick with that.

Whether you believe Cliff or not I leave you with this word of advice, do not repeat this theory to anyone. You never know who could be watching. If ‘they’ think you’re on to something, then you might find yourself traded, for a cure to Acne.

Conspiracy Cliff: Earth is not Our Home

Disclaimer: Actual Cliff may be Older.

First of all I would like to apologise about my lack of activity lately, I have been working full time in a Laboratory, exposing Primates to insane Matt Bellamy Riffs, in an attempt to open a portal to Mordor. But during my days at work (which honestly consists of changing tags on clothes, somewhere in between before they are sent to shops and after they are attached at the factory), I have become acquainted with a gentleman called Cliff. Before I talked to Cliff he seemed like a civil, almost humble, middle aged man. Despite being 63, he still had a full head of swept black hair, almost like an eastern European Brad Pitt, and thick bushy eyebrows (he reminds me of the Badger from the animate version of Wind and he Willows for some reason).

But that was before I talked to the pleasant retirement bound Cliff. The word eccentric comes to mind when talking to my work colleague, because within 5 minutes of saying hello, I was being introduced to an array of U.F.O theories, stories about telepathy and prophecies about my (lack) of a future. Honestly the guy believes in more conspiracies then a Paranoid Schizophrenic who talks to the dead.

So in honour of crazy Cliff, I have decided to set up a regular feature on my blog, his wackiest and most brilliant conspiracies. Is cliff a genius? Or an over excitable pensioner?

One of Cliffs earliest theories sums up his quirky nature. Earth is the ‘Australia of the Galaxy’ and is not our true home. Allow me to interpret; Apparently a long time ago (in a System far away), Humans lived in a Garden of Eden like Utopia, alongside a variety of other intelligent life forms and organisms, such as the Twilight hating Tortoisoides and Murdoch from the A-Team. Times would good, The stock Markets were up, Crime was low and Planet X’s version of Top Gear had just entered its latest brilliant series. However this harmony did not last; humans (or just one human) committed an evil endeavor. Now Cliff is not clear on what this evil endeavor actually was, maybe the guilty person(s) trod on a patch of freshly cut lawn, dive bombed into a childrens’ paddling pool or maybe raped a crustacean like alien (in one of it’s four sexual entry holes). Cliff simply gives no scale to how trivial or disastrous this offense could have been. But what he is sure of however, is that the whole of humanity was exiled for being criminals to planet earth, with no technology and no resources, naked as the day they were produced from a test tube. A bit like a Steve Irwin inspired survival game show.

Cliff reasons with me, explaining that most of the major religious books, include a chapter about humanities fall from grace (i.e. the garden of Eden, the birth of Lyndsey Lohan, the invention of microwaveable meals), adding that once we have found our way back to our true home, we will be welcomed back with forgiving arms. Hopefully in the form of cheat codes which make Call of Duty slightly less demoralizing online. He goes on to add that Earth is the Australia of the galaxy, dropping place for the universe’s scum, from wasps to the two humped Camel. Every creature on this planet has committed an error (hopefully not a System 32 error, now that would be shit).

Picard and Riker show their dissapointment in Humanities fail.

There are many flaws in Cliffs theory, such as why didn’t the criminals, evicted like Big Brother housemates, simply write down instructions for a hyper drive, or the location of a renewable food source, or where we can find all the Hidden Packages in Grand Theft Auto. Or why haven’t our alien oppressors become bored without us on their home planet and already traveled back to earth crying for forgiveness, with promises that it will be better this time and they can change, with a box of Cadbury’s Milk Tray in one hand and a copy of 40 first dates on DVD in the other.

But the biggest clue as to why this theory can never be considered our rightful past is simply this. Australians aren’t miserable, but humanity as a whole are.