STFU Hipster.

A lot of people I talk to say you have to look past the top 40 charts to find the best that music has to offer. But on this evidence from Composer Hans Zimmer I say balls to that! Lets compare the likes of Mr. Zimmer to more contemporary acts like JLS and Tinie Tempah. For starters what kind of name is Hans Zimmer? It doesn’t exactly scream star material. Where as on the other hand the ever popular JLS and Tinie Tempah don’t even need real names! They let abbreviations and poor spelling do all the talking, which I think is cool…if you can work out just how your supposed to say their aliases that is.

Now lets listen to the music; Tinie Tempah plays the clever tactic of implementing made up words in his songs – who can forget the classic “G-shocks, I got a crazy thumb collection” from his hit Pass Out, where he also informs the world that he has been to Southampton, but never to Scunthorpe: Genius. On the other hand Hans Zimmer doesn’t even write any lyrics! I imagine all that orchestral bullshit is from his record label as well.

Not. At All. Gay

Finally I would like to point out that songs in the charts are so much more representative of the man on the street. I mean take JLS for example, they sing about putting your hands up in a club, which appeals to me as a person from real life because I put my hands up sometimes too! Not just in clubs either, I used to do it in school quiet frequently in fact. Hans Zimmer’s material would only work if I was in a movie or something.

So there you have it, there’s no point listening to anything outside the UK top 40, because everything else is pointless and boring.

Oh yeah, I just remembered, I’m not an idiot – 10/10 Hans Zimmer for creating some of the most emotive and spine chilling music I have had the pleasure of listening to.

Death From Inception.

I had an odd nights sleep last night, not odd in the usual insomnia sense, but odd as in the reoccurring dream I had. Before I go into said dream, it’s important that I give you some context; it was announced on Tuesday that Dancey Noisy Punky Funky Rocky Duo Death From Above 1979, would be playing a one off gig at London’s HMV Forum, after declaring their love for one another and reformation just a couple of weeks earlier. This was spellbinding news, not only because the sensation of being hit by an electrical storm could once again be experienced through the medium of music, but because this phenomenon was happening right on my doorstep in good old ‘Landan’ town.

Okay so back to last evening; after setting my alarm for a good half an hour before tickets went on sale, I retreated to bed with the pleasant anticipation of the following mornings rush for gig tickets.

I lost count of how many times I woke up in a cold sweat from the nightmare “Ticketless” scenario which haunted me that night. In one dream I woke up late and was directed to the dooming sight of “Sold Out” flashing across my laptop screen; in another fantasy my Laptop failed to work – leaving me to resort to my phone, which is about as internet friendly as Sarah Palin on a sick cocktail of Steroids and Cocaine. At one point in the evening I became so detached from my own reality that I was certain that every godly entity, the U.S. government, and Prince Philip himself, were plotting against me and my tenacious search for Death From Above Tickets. It was like a really shit version of Inception, where instead of overwhelming action sequences being accompanied by a delicious sound track from Hans Zimmer, there was just me bludgeoning a Ticket Vendor with my MacBook Pro, with excessively distorted bass playing from somewhere.

Alas I finally woke in the real world, and bought my tickets rather easily. Am I exctied for the 5th of May now? Of course I am. Was it worth a near psychological breakdown? Only time will tell, but as you can see from the above video, DFA would probably sound as terrible as listening to Margaret Thatcher’s collection of speeches being performed by Katie Price, if it wasn’t for the copious amounts of distortion they use. I’m not going though for the sound quality: Because I now have the chance to see one of the bands I’ve been obsessed with for ages, a duo which will make me dance until my body is drained of all contained bodily fluids, and music which will satisfy my RDA of Awe-inspiring nostalgia.

That is unless, I’m still stuck inside that dream within a dream, and I’m so consumed with happiness that I’ve accepted this fantasy as reality, leaving my anatomy to rot in a reeking, docile mess. Where’s a spinning top when you need it?

Inglourious Basterds.

 

FILA - A symbol for Violence since 2011

Protesters in Egypt are showing their hatred for the current government by taking off their trainers and lifting them to the heavens. My sources tell me this is an insult amongst some Arab cultures…not quiet sure how it will spark political change, but one thing is for sure – FILA haven’t had this much publicity since gamers had to drop passengers off at the FILA store in Crazy Taxi. I’m glad students chose against this protest technique during the rally’s in December; Converse take a while to get on and off at the best of times; and police charging at you on horse back isn’t going to help the situation.

After seeing this photograph, I can’t understand why the Egyptians are so upset. Aren’t they aware that retro sports attire is at the height of fashion at the moment? Here we are stuck in designer purgatory, somewhere in between Clarks and Primark, and just a few thouand miles away the sulking Egyptians are flaunting their luxury Adidas Tracksuits. No place with that much aesthetic flare can be too terrible of a country to live in, the Ungrateful bastards.

That is unless it’s all fake of course.