Dexter Paine Vs Ronald McDonald.

When I was a young boy I used to love McDonalds. I was at my most content when I was sat in one of their horrible, Plasticine, twenty decade old interior laden restaurants. My meal of choice was a plain hamburger happy meal, which thinking back now tasted like MDF, but I often detracted to their sandpaper McNuggets. My grandmother bless her, took me twice a week after primary school, to step under the golden arches and pick up a Disney themed or Hot Wheels toy, depending on what propaganda the corporate giants were percolating, in an attempt to make young children flock to them quicker than the Pied Piper playing on LSD. I would follow every chemical ridden feast with an Ice cream (a McCone?), and then another dinner once I got back home to mum and dad. As you could probably imagine I was quite a chubby little lad.

The constant exposure to McFlurrys and Big Macs lead to teenage obesity and spots, lots and lots of spots, I made Scary Spice look vaguely attractive. High school bullying then commenced, which probably wasn’t helped by the fact that I was part of the Chess club, spoke of nothing but Game Cube, sucked up to teachers, and was generally a wimp. Still though I am certain the majority of my hard time at Chace Community School, was down to the evil tyrant named Ronald Mcdonald. I began to despise “Maccie D’s”

Once I started Sixth Form I wanted change. It wouldn’t be easy but I was determined to wipe to stain of the Hamburgular and company from my life, and introduce the world to a leaner, ‘cooler’ Dexter Paine. I boycotted McDonalds, and started eating healthy. A couple of years I was still a loser, but I had shed the weight, and was generally satisfied with life – I had remained abstinent from the Cow Slaughtering Bastards and was now reaping the benefits. I swore never to visit that horrible place again. . . . .

. . . . . My story would end there if it wasn’t for the fact that I made my first visit to a McDonalds in almost five years this week.

I know what you are thinking. I’ve finally fallen of the bandwagon like some Chicken Royale addicted loon. A relapse has commenced which is more strenuous then the plight of Pete Doherty, Amy Winehouse, and the guy from Keane combined. It’s only a matter of time before I’m the size of Peter Kay and shoveling Fries down my mouth faster than Mayor McCheese can make them.

Picard on the news I've given in to the darkside.

Fortunately for my health, I decided against purchasing anything. I was in the establishment I hated so much out of shear curiosity.

Just a few weeks ago just looking into my local McDonalds was like starring into a wormhole which pierced time and space; interior design which would look amiss in a Starsky & Hutch episode, and furniture which less comfortable to sit on than an electric chair. However, like some Laurence Llewelyn Bowen make over show, everything has suddenly changed. For starters the walls have been lined with actual wallpaper, the seats look relatively relaxing, and establishment as a whole, doesn’t look in the slightest bit sinister at all.

My first thoughts are that this is all just an illusion, they may have morphed into a ‘greener’ and ‘hipper’, ‘Progressive burger’ chain, but underneath all the layers of foundation, still remains a whore. But upon closer inspection, the place genuinely looks as though it has been through some what of a revolution. There is no longer advertising contaminating the building and warping our fragile minds, the staff no longer look as though they are being held in Guantanamo bay, and most importantly of all there are no fat little children running around. Just happy ones.

I thoroughly evaluate their ‘healthier’ McDonalds menu, and am pleasantly surprised to find vegetables, actual vegetables available, and not just revolting gherkins. They have salads, fruit, and juices which will rot your teeth at a slightly slower rate than Fanta. I also come to the verdict that the rest of their range must have been improved health wise, as I am astounded to see that they willingly display the nutritional of their meals; a practice which before would have alienated people away faster than a Gary Glitter themed Karaoke night. After scrutinizing the surroundings I leave, contemplating what has just happened.

I concluded that, even though most of it is probably superficial, Mcdonalds has changed. I still am dubious about their methods, but I see them in a different light now, like a slightly comical Hitler as apposed to the one history always portrays. I suppose in this modern day and age, they simply couldn’t continue as the hell hole which ruins childrens’ social lives; they had to radically change their ways or they would have risked being leapfrogged by the Subways of the world.

I still won’t eat there, but I promise to stop being a snob to people who do.

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